ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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