Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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