Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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