sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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