I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
