she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
