They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
