Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
