There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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