Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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