my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
as a side note pls kill me
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
