Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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