I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
