u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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