no, he came in my armpit
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
