you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize