im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
