With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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