at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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