I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
