I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
