Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Do vagina's smell?
Acid is not a monday night drug
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
