I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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