Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
