a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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