I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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