Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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