I am puke
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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