He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
