She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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