I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
