"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
