i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
