We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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