ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
