But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
