my room smells like sperm. sweet.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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