I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
