She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
