This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
