he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize