From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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