i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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