I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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