My sheets look like a crime scene.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
