One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
