I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
