Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I skipped work to stalk him.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
ugly people sure do ruin things
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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