Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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