I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
