i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
