Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
