how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
