When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
