my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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