How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
