I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
