i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
