Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
