he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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