i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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