I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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