nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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